It’s one of those things we never saw coming. Pregnant one day and not the next. Miscarriage is a silent loss that for some reason, we still hold to ourselves. We often mourn alone and when others come alongside us, they feel lost with what to do or how to help. I remember after losing our twins in 2023 that when people asked if we needed anything, I genuinely didn’t know what to say.

We had only told my family and a few others that we were even pregnant. We were hoping to keep our last pregnancy a secret just to ourselves and make a fun reveal with our New Little Valentine on Valentine’s Day. However, that all changed when our ultrasound tech couldn’t find a heartbeat let alone two.

After that appointment, we were given a week to see if there would be any changes and sadly, there weren’t. I passed the babies on February 21, 2023 in the evening. When we had initially received the news that the twins didn’t have heartbeats, we sent mass texts to friends and family to please pray for our little ones. We believed wholeheartedly that God could resurrect them just as he had Lazarus shortly before his own resurrection.

However, they are in glory and we are waiting in the interim to see them again.

It seemed to come from everywhere, but all around us, people showed up with food, texts, phone calls, cards, books, blankets, candles, and so on to wrap our family in love. God rallied his people to come and remind us that even in our grief, we are not alone.

The gifts didn’t fix the pain nor could they, but the impact they had on us changed how I’ll forever see the value of giving a gift. The same way Hagar proclaims about God in Genesis is true of what I felt in those early dark days following the miscarriage. When the gifts came, I knew that He is the God who sees me. When I didn’t have the awareness or ability to provide a meal for my family, a dinner or a gift card showed up. Mementos poured in such as sweet signs or jewelry. Books arrived on our doorstep that I could weep over and help read with our girls to explain what had happened.

If there is anything I could encourage you to do if you know a mom who has recently had a miscarriage or even a past one, these are great starting points. Moms with heaven babies don’t forget. After workshops I’ve done or speaking engagements, women who had miscarriages will come up to me and tell me how old that baby would be if he or she was alive. We don’t forget them no matter how many years have passed.

Here are six ways to help a mom after miscarriage. Full disclosure, some links below are affiliate links that T+S would receive a small commission at no extra expense to you should you purchase them.

1. Bring a meal or send a gift card
   • Never is there a greater gift for a bereaved mom who doesn’t have to expend extra energy to come up with a meal. This was a great blessing to us and our girls!
   • Setting up a meal train is great for this especially when the whole family. It also helps the family plan their days too.
2. Call/Text/Send a card
   • Letting the mom know that you’re thinking of her is incredibly important. Grief is isolating and hard to explain to those who haven’t walked in it. If you call or take time to do a visit, let the mama talk. Use as much active listening as you can using phrases like: tell me more, that sounds ______, how are you doing?
   • Keep any conversation off of you! Not that your friend doesn’t want to hear about you (and I’m not saying only have a one sided conversation), but it is important to let your friend talk and let her share what’s going on. Relating is important but it must be done very tactfully or else it’ll sound like “I know it all” and that’s not your intent.
3. Send a gift!
   • Books are fabulous especially if the mom likes to read. My friend sent me Prayer in the Night and it was exactly what I needed holding on to my faith after loss. There are also great kid books too such as Hope is a Blanket by my friend Andrea Coyne, Our Heaven Baby, and There was a Baby.
   • I got a beautiful necklaces to remember my littles. I collaborated with Freckled Pear Co. to make one in memory of littles.
   • A weighted blanket was a gift I didn’t know I needed. It felt like a hug when I needed to be wrapped up and alone.
   • A gift tea set. Stash is one of my favorite brands and I love how this comes packaged in a beautiful box.
   • A gift coffee! Support a local company (and a friend of mine) Watchdog Coffee with their perfectly roasted coffee blends.
   • Mother of Wilde creates memorial prints for bereaved mothers. The prints include keepsakes for miscarriages as well as littles who have died. A bereaved mother herself, she also offers retreats through Holy Ground Retreats to meet broken hearts with the hope of the Gospel.
4. Offer to help with the kids
   • Maybe mama and dada need a night out or maybe mama needs just some time away from her kids. If you are able to be the babysitter or hirer her one for a time, that is huge.
5. Offer to clean
   • Clutter and a sink overfilled with dishes can add to the failure feeling a mom feels. She is in survival mode and sometimes just the daily tasks of laundry and dishes can feel overwhelming.
   • Consider hiring a cleaner to help once a month just to reset the home.
   • Helping with the kids so that the mom could clean is also a great option here. Maybe your gift isn’t cleaning, but the mom finds cleaning therapeutic (and it often is).
6. Pay for therapy sessions
   • This one is tricky because maybe the mom isn’t on board with it, but it may become evident that this is exactly what mom needs. Grief can dismantle relationships and cause conflict in the home. It also rips apart the fabric of an identity. Counseling helped me especially as I approached the due date, and unfortunately many who need and would want the help, can’t afford it.
   • Check with your church or your friend’s one if they offer counseling services or financial help.

One piece of advice when you go to offer help- be specific about when and how you can help. Sending a text to say, “hey! how can I help you? what do you need?” Is actually more overwhelming than you may realize. Rather, send a text or in the phone call and say, “I’m available these days and would love to help with cleaning, watching your kids, or bringing a meal. Which would be the most helpful for you?”

There are many more ways to help a family after loss, but these simple acts of kindness show the mom (and family) that she is not alone. Community rallied around each other has a profound impact more than we will know.

If you have experienced loss, what would you add to the list that either helped you or you wish you had?